when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
