literally had 100 drinks last night.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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