Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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