I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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