I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
