When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
