i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
