jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
