then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
