JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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