Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
