Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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