i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
