im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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