There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
