Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
