The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
