I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
