Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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