if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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