I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
