bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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