i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
