how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
