i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
