What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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