turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
