I wanna passion pit in your ass
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
