GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
