I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
