If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
