I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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