My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
