It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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