the condom got lost in my hair
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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