We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
