i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
