no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
