I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
