can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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