I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
