Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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