There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
