Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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