I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
