He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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