i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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