I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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