I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
