Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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